A family man’s daily rundown of hosting his mom and sister for Thanksgiving weekend 2014.

by guest author: Falcon Man

Norman Rockwell’s Thanksgiving, 1943. (Lego-style)


Day One By The Numbers

0 = number of winter coats Mom brought to Northeast Florida

1 = number of Wife’s coats loaned to Mom for duration of visit

2 = number of blankets we had to loan Mom/Sis for duration of visit as hotel blankets are too thin for the expected 45-50 deg F low temps in the next few days

3 = number of dog poo stains newly decorating the rug around the dining room table as of 8 pm this evening (prime suspect is the white dog)

4 = approximate number of snacks consumed by Mom/Sis within 15 minutes of arriving here all of which were brought to us by Sis

5 = approx. number of times the dogs were told/escorted to go outside for peeing/pooing since arriving…obviously one trip too few (see #3 above)

300 = number of minutes i was able to endure of M/S visit before reaching saturation point on home turf (let the record show that this exceeds my average saturation point for visits to Gulf Coast Floridian City by five fold!)

gotta love family!

Day Two — By The Numbers Report Part Deux

0 = number of family-member guests murdered Thanksgiving Day (thank God for good meds!)

1 = alleged number of new dining room rugs ordered to replace dog-soiled rug per Day One report

1 = number of crockpots suffering damage from Mom dropping the lid to show little brother the homemade stuffing via Skype!

1 = number of guest bath toilets needing to be unplugged by the Man of the House!

2 = number of Skype/Facetime calls to family today…one of which consisted of repeated attempts to bully other brother into giving his pant size so that Mom could buy him some jeans for Christmas…nothing like having the Joy of Giving thrust into your face… Tis The Season!

3 = actual number of new dining room rugs mistakenly ordered via Pottery Barn’s shitty website snafu!

4 = number of times I sought acoustic refuge from visitor noise levels while trying to prepare today’s meals!

7 to 8 = approx. number of times visiting dogs were either walked or taken to the backyard for potty breaks during their 9 hour visit today (mustard-seed-sized bladder training in full evidence)

8 to 10 = approx. number of times Mom asked where the w14hite dog was during the day

9 = number of guests seated for Thanksgiving dinner (family + friend’s family)

28 = number of minutes we heard loud dog wailing coming from mentally disturbed small white dog who was quarantined in guest bedroom dog crate while we all tried to enjoy our turkey meal

40+= number of food/drink items made available or prepared for today’s feast….coffee, four breads, breakfast casserole, four cheeses, two sausages, three crackers, seven cookies, five candies, turkey, ham, mashed tatoes, sweet tatoes, green bean casserole, gravy, rolls, three sodas, two wines, three desserts, and one large bottle of Zantac!

Day Three Turkey Blog

125 = decibel level during Skype call to Northern Europe…apparently the further away you are on the globe the louder you have to yell at the iPad during a call!

90 = number of minutes the white dog continuously barked while Mom was out shopping…no napping for the tired…

12 + = number of loud belches issued by Sis as a result of the continual eating during the visit…

4 = alleged number of times Sis got up to go to the bathroom the night after turkey day dinner…food allergies do not seem to stop her from ingesting the toxins…you reap what you sow

4 = number of pretty girls visiting Son in his gaming sanctuary on Friday…yes, all they did was game…eventually they went out to eat dinner downtown

10 = number of sleep hours needed Thursday night to provide minimal recuperation from turkey day workload and sensory stimuli overload…

3 = number of pre-packaged “protein pack” breakfasts Mom bought at Starbucks to bring us on Friday morning…after we had already eaten breakfast…i guess we are Hobbitses…

Final Turkey Weekend Blog

11:37 am = official time when sound level in house returned to standard “introvert” setting (coincidentally this is the time when visitors left for return trip back home)

12:15 pm = approx. time I discover leak coming from on-demand gas water heater…discovered pinhole leak in copper piping resulting in no hot water until plumber can fix the problem (there goes my planned recuperative post-turkey day visit hot bath…)

5 = approx. number of pumpkin pie slices consumed by Son this weekend…same number as quantity of laundry loads of dirty Son clothes he completed during visit

20 = number of minutes I spent sniffing around the living room trying to identify the source of a mega-stink in the room…initial suspicion was visiting dog stealth poo…investigation terminated upon lifting the throw covering our own dog!….to much people food this weekend resulting in Chernobyl-esque toxic emissions!

7 = number of hours we spent Sunday in the car taking Son back to College…saw five wrecks during southern leg of trip resulting in our taking back roads on our northbound return leg

9 = number of days before we have to return to College to pick up Son for 3-week Christmas Break

End of Report.

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.